Critique on "Thirteen of These Thirteen of There Thirteen of These"

Sara Angela Rodriguez

A415-002/Chambers

Student Critique/ Thirteen of These Thirteen of There Thirteen of These

4/26/2013

I really enjoyed reading your piece. The descriptions and explanations in each section were laden with beautiful imagery and whimsical phrases. What I especially liked about your piece was the repetition that you included in the different sections and the reemergence of imagery within the sections. Though, I must admit that I was a little confused when I first read your piece. I think that my main source of confusion came from the objects being described. I wasn’t sure how this collection of objects fit together or if it should even be considered a collection. I wish that one stock phrase would have repeated in each section to tie them together or that the explanation of how they came to be would have been included somewhere in the piece. Besides that, I really liked your work. I think that by choosing this format to present us with these objects was a good choice. This way you can add more sections or take some away. Of course if you do that you will also have to change the title.

Critique on "Desafortunado"

Sara Angela Rodriguez

A415-002/Chambers

Student Critique/ Desafortunado

22 April 2013

Your story, about an unfortunate horse and his unfortunate owner, was pretty epic. I love how you used Spanish in your work, though at times you were a little off. Those corrections I’ve made on the hard copy so that you can “have a tactile experience.” Here I want to focus on the construction of your story. Though your story was really good I have to admit that it took me a while to piece it together and figure out what order the different parts go in. I think that in order to fix this jumble of story sections (so your reader can have a better experience off course) is to make smoother transitions. First write the story out in order then, after everything is perfect, move the pieces around. I think this will also help with any discrepancies in action (so we don’t have Herman arriving at the barn by himself then arriving with Junior and so that the gun isn’t in Dessie’s hand one second and on the table in the other). Besides what I’ve addressed, everything in your story to me sounded great. I really love the characters and the world you have built for them. Keep up the good work.  

Critique on "After the Interview: Thank You Letter Drafts"

Sara Angela Rodriguez

A415-002/Chambers

Student Critique/ After the Interview: Thank You Letter Drafts

22 April 2013

You’re piece, a series of Thank You letter drafts, was very creative. I really liked how the first letter was really personal and elaborated on the side-thoughts that the narrator was thinking while being interviewed. I wish that some of that personality would carry over to the other letters. The story about Stella in the first letter was really amazing and well written.  I think that your drafts would benefit from mentioning her again, or by alluding to her in a subtle manner; for example by mentioning that the decor in the office was really nice and that you especially liked the portraits of the dogs in the office. Another thing that I think would be great is that if you actually showed the editing process that led you from the first letter to the second to the third, and what I assume, final. I think that by showing the editing process or by showing comments on the letter that we can appreciate the final product better. As it stands right now, the reader will appreciate your final minimal letter because we know the story behind it, but the actual audience (Dr. Moore) will not. I think that if we see notes on the letter change or the changes themselves or if you just add in something, a word, a phrase, a sentence, that seems off by normal standards that Ms. Moore will also feel the same tension in the letter that we do.

Critique on "Blue"

Sara Angela Rodriguez

A415-002/Chambers

Student Critique/ Blue

22 April 2013

Your story, Blue, reads as a fairytale with a very dark and unexpected twist. I really enjoy how you took the story of Little Red Riding Hood—with its adventure like tale and happy ending—and turned it upside down to tell a story of a little boy, our hero, and his death. What I liked most about your story was the setting (“near the sea”) and how the characters were portrayed. It was a story that had much to offer and many places to grow. One thing that I did wish was that your story was more fairy tale ‘like’. I it to start with “Once upon a time in a kingdom by the sea” and I wanted to see more of the little boy exploring the sea as little Red explored the forest. I think that by adding more fairy tale like elements you would surprise your readers even more when you killed of the hero. As I mentioned before I really liked the way that the characters were portrayed, but I do wish that Blue himself would be more developed. I wanted to see what he thought of his grandfather and stepfather. I also wanted to know more about Blue’s mother because I felt that her absence was very important (it did lead to Blue’s current living arrangements). I also felt that the motives for the father’s murder of the grandfather weren’t definitely stated. Yes, I knew that he wanted the plot of land that the grandfather owned and that he wanted to be rid of the commitment of taking care of him, but I felt that those motives were not enough to justify the father’s killing. I feel that one quick and easy way to solve the problem of this ambiguity would be to have Blue flashback to a time when his mother was still alive and give us a glimpse of what life was like in ‘the good ole days’ so that we can better understand the current situation.

Critique on "Excerpts"

Sara Angela Rodriguez

A415-002/Chambers

Student Critique/ Excerpts

4/26/2013

When I first read your piece I thought that it was made up of a collection of different diary entries form a young girl’s life and that an outside narrator was telling us about it, but when I came to the end and saw that the narrator of each excerpt was actually 30+ I was a little confused.  I think that it was at that time that I realized that there was no way that anyone can document their own birth or the events that led up to her childhood because they are too young for that. So, I just assumed that she was retelling the stories she heard about her childhood and giving them approximate dates. I found no correlation between the dates, they weren’t consistent and it didn’t look like they were separated by any specific time, but I wish that they were. I think that it would be best to either spread the years of these events apart or add more years that cover the girls life into childhood, adolescence, and even into young adulthood. As the piece is right now I feel that something is missing. Though, I must admit that I really loved the different scenes presented in each diary entry, or excerpt. Like I said before, all you have to do is add a few more sections or spread them out through more years and your piece will be great. Keep up the good work.  

Critique on "Grim's Menagerie"

Sara Angela Rodriguez

A415-002/Chambers

Student Critique/ Grim’s Menagerie

4/26/2013

I really loved your piece! All the allusions to literature and popular culture gave this piece a real post- modern feel. I especially loved how the piece itself was a collection of different character sketches of these, what I assume to be, circus folk. The format that you chose for the piece worked well with its content and I think that the only thing that would make it better, stylistically, is to have the first section “Danse Macabre: Slaughterhouse Rock” set off in the same way that you set off the ending so as to give it a prelude sort of feel. As for the ending, I think that even though it works well the way it is now, it would be better for it to echo the beginning, like of like a Dance Macabre continued. Right now, even though both sections work well individually I feel that by somehow making them reflect/echo each other would make them work better. On a different note, I really like the images and individuality of each character introduced. I feel that they could really be found in the circus, if not in the main event, but in the carnival sideshow. When I first read this it gave me a very dark circus, drunken Dumbo, sort of feel and I really liked that. Keep up the good work and good luck revising your piece.