Sara Angela Rodriguez
A415-002/Chambers
Student Critique/ Overlap
29 January 2013
I wanted to start off by saying: Great title for this
piece! When I first read the title I was wondering how it was going to fit into
the piece because the two stories did not seem to be connected but when the
pool came into the picture I knew that the poor journalist was going to find a surprise
before the cement was ready to go down. I think that the way that you used the
two stories was excellent; you told both without them interfering with each
other—they only “overlapped” in the end. However, I do think that some of the words,
clauses, and sentences in the text seemed a little awkward and at times hard to
read. One specific clause whose meaning I was a little confused on was found on
page three and reads: “simply tamped down once time had rendered their remains.”
After reading it over a bit I figured out what was going on but it just seems
to…how to say this…complicated a concept. I think that it’s the “simply tamped”
that throws me off. Maybe something simpler like ‘filled in’ would work. Then there
were instances where the emotion was shown too much, or not enough. On the same
page you have the mother simply frowning when he touches her daughter’s cheek,
which she refers to as an ‘it’, when before she was wailing and sobbing. Little
things like this threw me off but overall you have a good piece.
No comments:
Post a Comment