Sara Angela Rodriguez
A415-002/Chambers
Fiction Piece #5
3/15/2013
In this short piece I attempted
to play on the absurdity of the news. The other day I saw a video of a news anchor
that was badly timed and whose words were jumbled to the point that his news
stories were, let’s just say, weird. I also noticed that there are a lot of
headlines in newspapers who, though bad grammar, bad editing, obvious comment,
and word choice/order, end up presenting crazy and humorous news stories. Below
I have made up a few that I think might work as headlines. Some, eight to be
exact, are actually based off of real headlines.
Word count: 414
Breaking News Around the World
Ohio woman, 106, finally
gets high school diploma, fist in her family to graduate from high school and
attend university.
New Orleans man
hospitalized after being discovered copulating with poodle, found bleeding by owner
in downstairs closet
Woman in sumo wrestler
suit arrested after assaulting her ex-girlfriend in gay pub, witnesses say
girlfriend waved at man dressed as Snickers bar
Make-up shortage ravishes
the modeling industry in Milan, the 2012 Gala of the Glam is cancelled, two
line premiers are reschedules, and models everywhere are hiding their faces
from the cameras
Los Angeles tight end
returns after colon surgery
Sixty-nine year old man
arrested on statutory rape charges for defecating on thirteen year olds chest,
claims it was consensual
Australian man wrestles
shark while on vacation gets fired from job, employed by PETA who found his
actions immoral and unacceptable
Turkish monk found dead in
a brothel after two month sabbatical, was found dressed in purple suit, gold
chain, and red top hat stolen from local gangster
Italian airline pilot
fired after ‘smoking’ while on the job, flight was recorded as dangerous and
full of turbulence but passengers reported only smooth sailing
Army vehicle disappears;
an Austrian army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted
with camouflage
Laptop stolen from a local
dinner found to have illicit pictures of former Liberian president and Noble Peace
Prize winner, Shemanda Boaki, laptop returned to owner who was later arrested
on conspiracy charges
Burglar in Russia sues the
woman who he robbed, during a burglary attempt Yuri Leshev, 26, was taken
attacked, tied up, and tortured for two weeks by Dominika Berezin, 32, whose
salon he tried to burglarize
Talking monkey found in
outskirts of Tibet nursing a young runaway who was presumed dead after unidentified
remains were found near village, remains exhumed and testing in progress in
order to discover true identity of deceased
Suspicious activity was
reported to NYPD earlier on Saturday morning, police on the scene and sheriffs
heading the investigation found nothing to report, suspicious individuals
identified as Canadian tourists
Famous Ying Chinese
Restaurant forced out of business when Shinji Wang, owner of neighboring Yang
Chinese Restaurant, burned down Ying establishment with gasoline, witnesses say
Wang was jealous of rival’s profit
Dutch people are in an
uproar after Mark Yem, CEO and founder of the Famous Dutch Apple Pie factory was
caught in bed with transgender mistress and owner of Dutch Rubber, a rubber
band company, at his wife’s birthday celebration
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