Sara Rodriguez-Fiction piece 6: Ways to Make Your Food Taste Better

Sara Angela Rodriguez

A415-002/Chambers

Fiction Piece #6

3/15/2013

This piece was inspired by the different answer, advice, and tip columns that are out on the web. A piece like this would usually show up on blog, which only makes me feel that it is appropriate to post it here. It is an attempt to replicate, in a way, Steve Martin’s piece (“Disgruntled Lexicographer”) in the way that it begins as a regular tip guide and slowly merges into a discourse.

Ways to Make Your Food Taste Better

1.     Add peanut butter to a bowl of ramen. You can also add soy sauce and hot sauce for a delicious and inexpensive meal.

2.     You can make breakfast popsicles using yogurt as a base and adding granola and various fruits to taste.

3.     Make a nice on the go snack by making yogurt dots! Put dots of yogurt onto a cookie pan, freeze, and enjoy.

4.     Put mashed potatoes on your sandwich. It adds flavor and texture to your food.

5.     Make green grapes taste like sour patch kids, sprinkle them with green jello-powder. Call them glitter grapes. It makes them fabulous.

6.     Add a new taste to an old classic, grill your PB&J. This makes your sandwich taste better and makes you feel accomplished (congratulations, you used the stove; you can say you actually cooked).

7.     When making a fruit salad, use a waffle cone instead of a bowl and put yogurt on top of your fruit. Can’t eat yogurt? Too bad. I guess you miss out. It tastes better with yogurt.

8.     Don’t like sour grapes? You want them sweet? Well sprinkle sugar on them and freeze. If you can’t handle the cold then that sounds like a personal problem.

9.     Want something sweet and salty? Eat watermelon sprinkled in salt.

10.                        Want something sweet, salty, and spicy? Eat watermelon sprinkled with salt and add Crystal for flavor and shine.

11.                        Want something sweet, salty, and spicy that’s not watermelon? Experiment. Grab some salt, grab some sugar, grab some pepper, and have fun! Watermelon, as far as I know, is the only fruit worth eating.

12.                        Tomato soup too plain? Add cheerios. They’ll make you happy.

13.                        Coffee not sweet enough? Boil milk and brown sugar. Add coffee.

14.                        Coffee too sweet? Add milk.

15.                        Out of milk? Add water.

16.                        Out of water? Then how do you have coffee???

17.                         Stop complaining about foods. If you don’t like it, don’t order it. If you want substitutes, might as well not order it either.

18.                        If you really want to make your food taste better I suggest you go to an actual cooking website instead of sitting here reading through yahoo answers.

19.                        Yahoo answers can’t answer all questions.

20.                        Only morons would depend so much on some stupid website like this!

21.                        Why don’t you go to a bookstore and buy a cook book?

22.                        What about taking a cooking class?

23.                        Call your relative and ask them for help in the kitchen!

24.                        The point is, stop sitting in front of your computer. Go into your kitchen.

25.                        If you want to cook, then cook. Don’t Pintrest cooking recipes or Google cooking tips or any of that other bull shit if you’re not really going to do it!

26.                        Go, go cook!

27.                        Are you still here?

28.                        You are?

29.                        Then you fail.

30.                        If you are still reading, then it is obvious that you don’t want to cook. You just want to look up interesting cooking facts to share with friend so you can look like a cooking guru. Good job. You are the idiot that sad there and read through a list of insults for the past ten minutes.  

YOU